Part 4
JOURNAL ENTRY SEPT 17TH, 2002 - cont.
Sorry 'bout that. It's just...
I still can't believe it was only last night! I look at this ring on my finger, watching the ruby sparkle as it catches the light, and I know last night was real.
But...my God...what a night!
The room, as I said, was lit by candlelight, flickering tongues of flame that cast soft shadows. Bathed in that sweet golden glow, Alex and I undressed each other. Hands that had once been tentative, uncertain, now knew how to touch...to tease...to torment. I went slowly, savoring this man and this moment, knowing this...this was to be our last night.
My fingers lovingly caressed his arms, gliding familiarly over tattoos I'd forever see in my dreams. His chest, his waist, his back...there wasn't a place on him I did not touch, memorizing every muscle and the way they shifted under his skin as he moved.
We kissed, long slow and deep. No longer something sexual, but sensual. The nuances were finer, deeper. It wasn't a contest or a battle or just purely physical. I loved this man. I had no choice but to show him.
I trailed kisses down Alex's body, flicking my tongue over his nipples before gliding lower still. His hands slid into my hair, subtly guiding me. I paused a moment in my downward quest to pay homage to the 69 tattoo around his belly button. Alex sucked in his breath when, instead of claiming my prize, I bit gently on his left hip. I heard my name on his lips, caught somewhere between a groan and a plea. His hands tightened ever so slightly in my hair.
I held back no longer.
Starting at the base, I licked my way to the tip, wringing another groan from him. He cried out when I took him in my mouth. Deeply. Swiftly. Over and over and over. I lost myself in the musky scent of him. I savored the taste of him on my tongue, and bit back a cry when he pulled me off then up his body. "No," I started to protest, let me finish I wanted to say, but Alex's mouth covered mine. Between one breath and the next, I found myself on my back. Alex's mouth and hands began a similar journey to mine earlier. He played with my breasts, alternately sucking then nibbling on my nipples. My hands fisted in his hair, guiding him lower. He settled comfortably between my thighs, drew a deep breath, then groaned softly. His tongue touched me, and I shattered, bucking my hips into his mouth. He didn't stop his ministrations, wringing three orgasms from me before rising.
His arousal poised where I still throbbed for him, I found myself staring up into his eyes. The emotion I saw there brought tears to my eyes. Don't say it, I thought, don't...it'll only make it harder. But I couldn't speak, and the words came. "I love you," he said softly, entering me slowly until he filled me completely.
"Alex," I breathed, feeling his heartbeat pulse as he held still within me, struggling for control, "I love you, too."
And with that, as if the words galvanized him, he began to move.
Long slow deep thrusts. He would pull back almost completely, then slide slowly until buried to the hilt once more. Over and over this slow dance until I thought I would go mad. I wanted that light...that ecstasy when I shattered in his arms...when he came with me, crying out my name...but...I wanted to make it last, savor each intimate slide.
I think Alex felt the same way. He stopped more than once, holding my hips still as he rested his forehead to mine, his body tight as a coiled spring as he ordered me not to move.
Our bodies were covered in a fine sheen of sweat, but we didn't care. He tasted of salt and male, and I gloried in it...in him.
Then arrived the moment we each anticipated and regretted. His thrusts were harder, faster, as he neared his final rhythm. I surrendered first, clutching at his arms, scoring his back as I cried out. I heard his groan, felt the hot wet splash of his seed within me and only then noticed the drops on my cheeks.
His tears.
He dropped to his elbows, still holding the majority of his weight off of me, but his forehead leaned once more against mine. I felt his tears and they mingled with my own.
We loved. Hours ticked by, draining away our remaining time together, and we loved.
Once, as I rode him, he stilled our movements. Cupping my face in his hands, Alex stared up at me. A moment forever frozen in time. He loved me, it was in his eyes. Last night, the words hung between us. He loved me, I loved him, and it changed nothing. We hung suspended in that one poignant moment, and that was our goodbye.
Never once did those words pass our lips.
Dawn's first rays were framed by the window, and we climbed from the bed. We took a shower together. Water sluiced down our bodies as we made love again, the tiles cold and slick at my back.
Bag in hand, Alex kissed me one final time then I turned and walked out of his hotel room. I kept my back to him. I couldn't bear to see his pain or have him see mine. I loved him, but Sarah had already claimed him. She was due in later that morning. It was time to go.
Marcus met me at the elevator. Tears streaming down my face, I pushed the button and waited. "I hope you come back," Marcus said, one large hand gently gripping my shoulder, "for both your sakes."
The doors opened, and I turned to Marcus. I gave the big black man a hug. "Take care of him," I choked out before stepping away and into the elevator.
Marcus smiled. "I always do," he replied as the doors slid shut.
I caught the next flight home. From the airport, I called Lynda, my best friend and surrogate mom, and she drove me home. She didn't press me with questions and I was grateful.
I'm an open wound, my soul bleeding in plain sight.
I arrived home, and my ex met me at the door. He had agreed to stay with the kids while I went to New York. He brushed my hair away from my neck, revealing one of the lovebites Alex had left. Grinning, he asked, "Have fun in New York?"
Chrissie came charging into the foyer, forestalling my scathing reply. "Mom!!" she shrieked, hugging me tight. "You're back!!" She pulled away, grinned, then started dragging me toward the living room. "You're just in time! The Backstreet Boys are on TRL!"
"But they were just there," I protested, ignoring a stab of pain as I remembered going with them...with Alex.
"They just showed up," Chrissie explained as a Stridex commercial blared, "a surprise."
Carson Daly appeared on the screen, seemingly surrounded by Backstreet Boys and screaming fans in the studio. "So, AJ," Carson began after little preamble, "there's some kind of announcement?"
Alex shared a glance with the other BsB, then replied, "Actually, yeah, I have an announcement." He paused, then said, "Sarah and I have called off our engagement."
My knees turned to pudding and I dropped into a nearby chair.
"AJ!" Carson seemed stunned. "What's..."
"It was really a mutual decision," Alex interrupted. "Things haven't been good for awhile now, but...well...we, Sarah and I, figured to just take one day at a time,but..." he drew a deep breath, "something's happened that's changed things."
"And that is?" Carson prodded when Alex fell silent.
"Sarah's not the woman I intend on spending the rest of my life with. I've only just recently met her." Alex pulled off his signature sunglasses and looked directly into the camera. "Tas, I love you...and I'm coming for you."
That was several hours ago. Alex hasn't shown up, so, I guess...I don't know anymore. Just thinking about him hurts right now.
Everyone in the house is asleep, or pretty much everyone. I'm wide awake. Considering how little sleep I've had these past few days, I can't believe I'm still awake.
Then, I find myself staring at this poster I have of Alex on my wall, and then I think...well, then again, maybe I can believe it.
Alex is all over my thoughts. He's like a ghost here beside me. I close my eyes and I'm with him again. I remember his laugh...his touch...his tears...
Shit, here I go, crying again.
Damn...that's the doorbell. Who in the world...
Later!