Chapter Eleven
Lissa lay on the bed,
staring at the ceiling. The doctors were due back any moment now, eager to
release her...open up the bed for someone they could help.
She sat up, running her fingers through her dark hair, eyes scanning the room.
There. Her clothes were neatly draped over the back of one chair. These weren't
the same ones she'd worn when she'd gone walking...was it only a few hours ago?
It felt like a lifetime.
She laughed bitterly. A lifetime, she thought, starting to dress. Yes, it had
been a lifetime.
After she'd calmed down from her argument with Alex, she'd tried to reach him.
But Alex never called her back, so she'd gone for a walk. She'd felt a need to
sort through her thoughts, come to grips with Alex's reaction. She'd been lost
in thought, taking one step at a time. She'd never heard the soft purr of the
engine nor even noticed the glare of the headlights...not until it was too
late. Then everything had gone black.
She'd awakened once to find Kevin leaning over her. His apology still rang in
her ears. The guilt writ on his face told her that he had been driving. She had
been about to ask him why he was there when Alex's head appeared over Kevin's shoulder.
Then she knew. Alex. She didn't have time to decipher the look on Alex's face.
The pain had started...and she'd felt the wetness between her thighs. Kevin had
tried to help her sit up, but the pain flared brilliantly and the darkness took
her once more.
The door opened, and a nurse came in, clipboard in hand. "Feeling
better?" she asked hopefully.
I feel empty, she thought. She answered, "I can move, if that's your
question."
She wore a sympathetic smile. "I understand how traumatic this..."
"Save it, okay? Just give me the forms so I can get the hell out of
here."
The nurse pursed her lips, then shook her head. Producing the clipboard and a
pen, she approached the bed. "You need to see your GYN in six weeks to
make sure there are no complications."
Lissa took the pen, and signed her name with a flourish. "Is there a phone
I can use to call a cab?"
"But, there are two young men outside waiting to take you home."
Lissa didn't have to guess twice who it could be. "I'll take a cab,"
she insisted, handing the clipboard back. "I really would rather be
alone."
"If you don't mind my saying so..."
"But I do mind," Lissa interrupted the nurse. She wanted to get the
hell out...and grieve in peace. "Now, where is that phone?"
"If you'll just get in the wheelchair," the nurse instructed. When
Lissa turned mulish, the nurse added, "hospital policy." Lissa got
into the chair.
Sure enough, Alex and Kevin were waiting just outside the door. "Ready to
go home?" Alex asked.
He looked tired, Lissa thought. His dark brows were drawn down in worry. Beside
him, Kevin looked equally a wreck. Guilt was still writ large in his emerald
eyes. Not ready to deal with Kevin, Lissa turned to Alex. "Yes, I'm going
home."
Alex paused, studying her intently. "We've got the car..."
Lissa shook her head. "I'm taking a cab," she said, then glanced up
at the nurse. The nurse only stood staring at both men. Lissa sighed, and
started off on her own.
Alex stopped her. "Baby, let me..."
Lissa winced, then looked up into Alex's dark eyes. "Go home, Alex. Get
some sleep. We'll talk again in a couple of days, I promise. But right now, I
need to be alone."
The nurse took the opportunity to take control of the wheelchair once more, and
steered Lissa away from Alex.
Kevin laid a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Give her a couple of
days. I intend to."
Alex turned to Kevin, saw the anguish in the big man's eyes. "You, she'll
forgive," Alex said.
Kevin allowed a small smile. "She loves you, Alex. Remember that."
"I will," Alex said, turning to watch Lissa being wheeled out of
sight. "I just hope she does."
Kevin went over the day after she'd gotten home. When Alex confronted Kevin
later at home, Kevin admitted that Lissa had forgiven him for the accident,
something that weighed heavily on his mind. When Alex stated his intention of
going over that night, Kevin had told him to wait until Lissa called him.
So he waited. One day turned into two. Two days turned into three, then four,
then a week. One week turned to two, and with still no word from Lissa, Alex
decided it was time to talk to her.
He stood on her doorstep, hands in his pockets after he'd rung the doorbell.
When Lissa didn't answer, he had his hand raised to knock when Lissa opened the
door.
He wanted to hold her. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen. She looked like
she hadn't slept. He could still make out the tear streaks on her cheeks.
"Hello, Lissa," he said gently.
"Go away, Alex," she said, and started to shut the door.
He stopped it with the palm of his hand. "Wait, please...can't we
talk?"
Lissa studied him for a long moment, sighed, then opened the door wide.
"Fine," she said, standing back and letting him in.
A thousand memories hit him as he stepped into the living room. Sitting with
her on the couch, and laughing at some stupid movie on Comedy Central. Sitting
at the table, eating dinner by candlelight. Chasing each other around the room,
spraying each other with whipped cream, then licking it off.
He shook his head, turning to face Lissa as she passed him to sit on the couch.
She scooped up the black teddy bear he remembered giving her for her birthday
that year. He sat next to her on the couch. "I've missed you," he
said softly.
He watched her swallow hard. "I've done a lot of thinking, Alex."
"Thinking?" he asked, not liking where this seemed to be leading.
Hell, he'd spent the last two weeks thinking of nothing but her, and now? Now
what?
"Yes, Alex," she sighed, "thinking." Her dark eyes met his.
"About us."
"I've been thinking about you," he said uncertainly.
"You have?"
Did she have to sound so surprised, he thought. He nodded. "I've missed
you."
She studied him. "Do you love me, Alex?"
He blinked. "What?"
"You heard me. Do you love me?"
"Of course, I do. You know that."
"Do I?" she asked softly. "How could I when you've never told
me?"
"Of course I have. You just don't remember."
She shook her head. "Never mind." She sighed. "Why did you come
here today?"
"I wanted to make sure you were okay."
Her smile was rueful. "You can see how I am, Alex. Do I look okay?"
"You look tired, and like you've been crying," he said, climbing out
of the chair to sit next to her on the couch.
She rose, moving away from him. "Do you know what I am, Alex?" she
asked, her back to him. When he didn't answer, she turned to face him. The
tears had started again. "I'm empty, Alex. Empty!"
He watched her swallow hard, and kept silent.
"I didn't ask to be pregnant. It just happened. One of God's little
blessings." She laughed softly, and it had an hysterical tinge to it.
"The only thing left now is the bloody evidence of it's passing."
"Lissa..." He started to rise.
"I went walking that night because of you, Alex. Yup, because of you. You
were so mad...like it was all my fault." She glared at him, and he sank
back down on the couch. "You must be feeling pretty relieved," she
assumed, her words dripping with venom. "I mean, you didn't want the baby,
and now it's gone."
"Okay, you're right," he asserted, rising now and walking toward her.
"I didn't want the baby, not at first. But, once I thought about
it..."
"Easy to say now that we're over."
He stopped moving. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's what I was thinking about on that walk that night. I had thought you
didn't want both of us, and we were a package. Couldn't have one without the
other. And now, even though the baby is gone, I'm sticking with my original
plan."
"So just because I was a little upset..."
"A little upset? A little? Alex, you told me that the only thing you had
been thinking about when you came home was fucking me. Remember that
conversation?" she spat, tossing the black teddy bear onto a chair.
"I do."
"Lissa, you surprised me. I wasn't thinking straight."
"And now?" she asked. "What if I was still pregnant?" When
he didn't answer, she shook her head. "I never meant a damned thing to
you...only another easy lay."
"That's not true!"
"Then why haven't you ever told me you love me?"
He stopped, thought for a moment. "Of course I have." I must have, he
thought.
Lissa was shaking her head. "Not once, Alex...not a single time."
"Lissa, I...of course, I..." the words stuck in his throat.
"What's the matter, Alex? Cat got your tongue? Or have you pierced that,
too?"
"Lissa..."
"No, Alex. Just go. It's over. The final curtain call, okay? Just leave me
alone." The last words were a plea, echoing faintly in the room as she
marched over to the door, and flung it wide. "Just go," she repeated
softly.
He noticed the tears in her eyes, how she gripped the doorknob tightly so he
couldn't see her trembling...but he noticed. He stopped in front of her.
Staring down into her eyes, he whispered, "We're not over, Lissa...not
yet."
She swallowed hard. "Goodbye, Alex." A tear slid down her cheek.
He bent and kissed it away. Before she could protest, he turned, and walked out
the door.